MLS Week 2 featured the league’s best team losing 5-0 and tactics scarcely seen since the 1960s

Again, this league is dumb and it’s amazing.

MLS went Full MLS in Week 2, with some of the league’s weakest teams from last season pulling off big upsets. The Colorado Rapids and Philadelphia Union beat the LA Galaxy and Columbus Crew, respectably, while the Houston Dynamo put in their best performance to date under Owen Coyle.

We apologize to Seattle Sounders and New York Red Bulls fans, as your teams are now officially IN CRISIS.

This weekend’s scores

Orlando City 1-1 Chicago Fire
New England Revolution 0-0 D.C. United
Montreal Impact 3-0 New York Red Bulls
Real Salt Lake 2-1 Seattle Sounders
Colorado Rapids 1-0 LA Galaxy
Columbus Crew SC 1-2 Philadelphia Union
Houston Dynamo 5-0 FC Dallas
Sporting Kansas City 2-1 Vancouver Whitecaps
New York City FC 2-2 Toronto FC
San Jose Earthquakes 2-1 Portland Timbers

Highlights

You can watch highlights of every single game right here.

Um. FC Dallas?

Last year: Dallas comes within one point of winning Supporters’ Shield and plays the eventual MLS Cup winners very close in an excellent playoff series.

This offseason: Dallas retains all of their key players while signing some experienced internationals. They are proclaimed Supporters’ Shield favorites by basically everyone.

Last week: Dallas wipes the floor with Philly. Their 2-0 win doesn’t accurately portray how easy they made it look.

This week: YO WTF

In a rivalry game against the Houston Dynamo, FC Dallas suffered a beating in the top tier of all MLS beatings, all time. They defended the second ball in after a set piece very poorly in the opening minutes, then went ahead and absolutely crumbled from there.

Not to disparage the Dynamo, who look like they might be a very good team, but this was shocking. Yes, even for MLS, and even for a week that was littered with excellent upsets. Every MLS community featured a constant barrage of people yelling “WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” We still don’t have an answer.

Thankfully for Dallas, it’s a very long season and a lot of teams make the playoffs. But after a beating like this, Oscar Pareja has a difficult job in front of him.

Patrick Vieira might be an evil genius

NYCFC played this lineup on Sunday.

When the team dropped this on Twitter, everyone rushed to rationalize. Did the social media guy screw up? Maybe Federico Bravo is playing center back and this is their normal 4-3-3? But no, this was for real. NYCFC actually played a W-M, something that had mostly been phased out of the sport since the 1960s. In most instances, this is crazy stuff, but it actually worked well for three big reasons.

The first is that the Yankee Stadium pitch is comically narrow — by far the smallest in MLS. The size of the pitch makes it very hard for wingers to be effective, so Toronto FC weren’t able to punish them for not playing any fullbacks or wingbacks. Second, Toronto’s wingers are among their least effective players at the moment. Jonathan Osorio likes to drift inside and Tsubasa Endoh is a rookie who still looks like he’s figuring out pro ball. Third, Toronto had never seen anything like it before. Will Johnson and Marky Delgado looked very confused.

Patrick Vieira had a reputation for trying crazy stuff as Manchester City Under-21s manager, so this might not be the last unorthodox formation you see from NYCFC this year. The W-M might not work at a different stadium — or against anyone now that managers have tape of it — but it worked on Sunday. They were unlucky not to get all three points.

Watch this Quincy Amerikwa goal right now

Of note: Adam Kwarasey is not badly out of position here. Amerikwa doesn’t commit a foul either. If you think either of these things, you are a joyless monster and need to stop. If you see your friends saying these things, please yell at them. Together, we can stop Highlight Truthers.

Weekly MLS Live power rankings

This is not a ranking that has anything to do with how good a team is at soccer. It’s simply about how likely you are to be entertained if you choose to watch their game on MLS Live.

1. NYCFC (unchanged)
2. RSL (up 1)
3. Impact (up 5)
4. Dallas (unchanged)
5. Orlando (up 1)
6. Toronto (up 6)
7. Sporks (up 7)
8. Galaxy (down 3)
9. Crew (down 2)
10. Fire (unchanged)
11. Timbers (down 2)
12. Dynamo (up 4, I remain skeptical)
13. Whitecaps (up 1)
14. Sounders (down 3)
15. Quakes (up 2)
16. Union (up 2)
17. Red Bulls (down 4)
18. Rapids (up 2)
19. Revs (down 17, watch their game and tell me this is undeserved)
20. DC (down 1)

Here is a list of way too early takes that are not worthy of an entire column. You should argue with me about them.

1. FC Dallas are still winning trophies this year.
2. That NYCFC W-M gets wrecked on any pitch wider than a hallway.
3. I was wrong about Pablo Piatti last week, it wasn’t just Frasier Aird’s hair. He’s actually great.
4. San Jose Earthquakes will benefit greatly from being the only team that’s good at defending.
5. Orlando City will get an offer they can’t refuse for Cyle Larin this summer.
6. Sigi Schmid is totally getting fired.

Here’s a great photo from this week’s games

tfc

Credit: Mike Stobe/Getty Images

Have a good week, fam.

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